The emotional highs and lows of dating can be familiar territory, but what about when we’re feeling flat or emotionally detached when we could be feeling positive or curious? How do we stay engaged with the person we’re dating and with the dating process itself when something inside us wants to withdraw? And how do we give a connection the space to grow when there’s no immediate spark? Exploring the signs of detachment can help us understand how to stay connected so that we give ourselves the best shot at finding our person.
Too busy or bored to date
For a long time, I was too busy with life and work to go dating. There were other periods when I didn’t see the point. I was feeling weary of dating sites and disillusioned with the entire process. With our hectic lifestyles, online dating can feel like another task on our ‘To Do’ list. Also, if we’ve been dating for a while, we might argue that we need a break.
For many of us, however, busyness and boredom are avoidance tactics – excuses to detach from dating because we find it hard, we have low self-esteem, or we’re scared of being vulnerable in case we get rejected or hurt in other ways.
Our fear of emotional intimacy may be buried deep in our subconscious, perhaps rooted in childhood experiences, and we may not want to look at it. Lack of time or defeatism becomes a convenient defence.
What’s the antidote?
The first step is to be honest. Am I too busy to date, or am I avoiding it because it’s scary, or I don’t want to get hurt? If you detect a fear of intimacy or low self-worth, the next step is to seek out healing and bring your fears into the light. We can take our fears and feelings to God, as well as to a trusted friend or a counsellor.
With some healing, we can challenge our fears and overcome our blocks by taking micro steps. We can set gentle goals to keep us engaged – sending one or two messages a week or meeting one person each month, for example. We might also want to ask a friend to be an accountability buddy to help us stay active.
We can also let go of some of the activities that are enabling our avoidance and create some space in our lives for romance.
Think about engaging with dating without being overly attached to outcomes. Participate wholeheartedly and hold the process lightly, giving the results to God.
Searching for the high
Hollywood has taught us to expect extreme passion and over-the-top displays of devotion. If we don’t feel an instant spark on a date, we might decide that the person isn’t right for us, or when the initial excitement of a relationship wears off, we might want to detach. We tell ourselves this can’t be the real thing because there’s no lightning bolt.
But chasing lightning bolts and sparks and stepping away when they are absent or when the initial buzz settles down can be another form of avoidance. If we got used to emotional intensity in past relationships or if we grew up in drama-fuelled environments, a stable, calm, predictable connection can feel unfamiliar and, to some of us, rather dull.
The truth is, feeling steady and grounded is a wonderful foundation for a long-lasting relationship, while a magnetic attraction can sometimes indicate an unhealthy bond.
So, when you feel the urge to dismiss a date because there’s no spark or detach from a relationship because it’s not thrilling enough, take a pause. Avoid knee-jerk reactions. Commit to going on three dates, for example, or to staying longer in a relationship that you feel compelled to end even when there are no red flags. Look for signs of consistency over intensity. Do I feel comfortable with this person? Can I show up as my authentic self?
Always finding fault
Finding flaws in potential dates or partners is another way in which we detach emotionally.
It’s important to have clarity on the values and qualities that you’d like in a partner but if you hone in on tiny faults – a person’s hair, teeth, accent or shoes, for example – it’s possible that you may be looking for excuses to avoid emotional intimacy, perhaps because you have inner blocks and fears, as discussed above.
If you feel compelled to detach, ask yourself: What’s at the root of my reaction to this person? Am I afraid of vulnerability and emotional intimacy? Have I given this connection enough space to grow?
I can attest to the merits of the above approach. After many years, I realised that my busyness, my search for emotional highs and my fault-finding were avoidance tactics – ways to avoid risking my heart. Once I saw this, I was able to let love grow with a reliable, steady man. We have been happily married for seven years.
Connections take time to build. Stay engaged, stay curious and give the process and the person a fair chance.
Can you relate to feeling flat or detached when dating? What has helped you?
Enjoyed ‘Where’s the spark? How to date when you’re feeling flat’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin on the Christian Connection blog
