For The Gottman Institute’s 30th anniversary, we’re exploring five relationship myths that just won’t quit, and what the research actually says.
After 50 years of relationship research, we know more than ever about what makes love last. Yet some relationship myths refuse to disappear.
You’ve probably heard a few of these myths before. Your parents might have shared them as advice, you may have encountered one during a well-meaning conversation with friends, and movies and media are notorious for perpetuating the most cliché relationship myths.
Over time, these myths become expectations people use to measure their relationships. And when reality doesn’t match the myth, it may feel like something is wrong. But that is far from the truth!
Here are five relationship myths we thought would have been left in the dust by now, and what the research tells us instead:
Myth #1: Happy Couples Don’t Fight
You know that one couple. They never fight, they’re always loved up, and everything just seems easy for them. But you’re only seeing part of their story.
It’s easy to look at a couple who seems happy and assume they never disagree, but conflict is present in every relationship. Even strong, happy couples have different needs, opinions, and perspectives. It’s just part of living with another human!
The difference is not whether couples fight, but how they treat each other when they do. The Gottmans call this “fight right”. Healthy conflict leaves room for both partners to speak and be heard. Partners who disagree without using contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling are doing it right! They make repairs, accept responsibility, and work to understand each other, even when they disagree.
Myth #2: Never Go to Bed Angry
“Never go to bed angry” may sound like good relationship advice, but it can actually hurt more than help in some cases.
When conflict becomes intense, one or both partners can become flooded. This is when your heart rate rises, your body enters fight or flight mode, and it becomes increasingly difficult to listen, empathize, and think clearly. When you’re flooded, forcing the discussion to continue because you don’t want to go to bed angry can actually cause conflict to escalate.
The healthiest thing to do is pause. Taking a break doesn’t mean ignoring the problem or abandoning your partner. It means communicating the need to step away, with a clear commitment to return to the conversation.
So, next time you’re arguing before bed and it’s just not going anywhere, try saying this: “I want to work through this with you, but I’m too overwhelmed. Can we take a break and continue this conversation tomorrow?”
It’s better to go to bed with a plan to resume the next day rather than stay up late flooded and stressed because you believe every argument has to be settled before the morning.
Myth #3: You Have to Solve Every Disagreement
Here’s the truth: not every disagreement has a final resolution.
Throughout many years of observing couples, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman found that every single couple has a set of perpetual problems.
In his book “The Relationship Cure,” Dr. John Gottman says, “a full 69 percent of all marital conflicts never go away.” These perpetual problems are any issues where you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye no matter how often it comes up. They are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.
You can have perpetual problems about anything. Maybe you can’t settle on a financial budget that works for both of you or you keep fighting about who does most of the housework. These conflicts come up again and again without lasting resolution. Instead of trying to solve them, the key is to manage them without getting gridlocked.
According to psychologist Dan Wile, “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” If you can accept that many of your problems aren’t going away, then you can focus on what to do about those issues when they come up.
What Is the Secret to Handling Ongoing Issues?
The key to managing perpetual problems? Compromise. Here are the steps:
Step 1:
Consider an area of conflict where you and your partner are stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is your Inflexible Area and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.
Step 2:
Think of the inside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on, and the outside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values that you feel more flexible with in this area. Make two lists.
Step 3:
Discuss the following questions with your partner that feels most comfortable and natural for the two of you:
- Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?
- What are your guiding feelings here?
- What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?
- Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.
- How can I help you to meet your core needs?
- What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?
Note: this exercise should not be approached in the midst of conflict. It will be most helpful if undertaken during a peaceful moment. The goal is to spark honest, fruitful discussions that lead to an acceptable compromise for both of you.
Myth #4: You Can’t Plan Great Sex
Let’s be real, a lot of us don’t have time for spontaneous desire. Work, stress, parenting, health concerns, medication, body-image issues, and so much more can affect desire. There’s also a difference between how people experience desire: some may feel interested in sex before physical connection begins, while the other may experience desire after intimacy is already underway.
Waiting for both of you to feel spontaneously interested at the exact same time can leave you waiting for a very long time.
Contrary to the myth “You can’t plan great sex”, planning sex doesn’t actually make it less meaningful. Setting time aside for intimacy shows that your relationship is important. It can give you both time to transition out of your endless to-do lists, caregiving, and other responsibilities. It means you’re making time for just the two of you, and why wouldn’t that be special?
Myth #5: Grand Gestures Matter Most
This myth is perpetuated most notoriously by the rom-com movie. You’ve seen it: boy falls for girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back with huge romantic gesture!
These big moments can be meaningful, but they’re not what relationships are built on. Love is shaped and nurtured by ordinary moments. The Gottmans call this concept “small things often”.
Partners regularly make small “bids” for connection. A bid could be a question, a sigh, a joke, a touch, or a simple, “look at that!” Turning toward the bid builds trust and closeness over time, while missing those bids can slowly erode your connection.
It’s looking up when your partner speaks, asking how their day went, making their coffee the way they like it, sending an encouraging text before a presentation, saying thank you for a task that could easily go unnoticed, reaching for their hand during the movie, kissing them goodnight at bedtime, and so many thousands of everyday moments throughout your life together. These individual moments don’t feel extraordinary, but they communicate something important: “I see you, I know you, and I choose you.”
How to Practice ‘Small Things Often’
Here are the ways you can increase small things often in your relationship:
- Pay attention and tune into your partner’s needs for attention
- See your partner’s bids as an opportunity to connect
- Turn toward in meaningful ways
- Prioritize the relationship and minimize distractions (especially technology and social media)
- If you miss a bid, acknowledge it and apologize
Final Thoughts
And you know what? Going for a grand gesture every once in a while isn’t going to hurt! Just remember: grand gestures can be wonderful, but everyday connection is what sustains love.
Relationship myths tend to stick around because they offer simple answers to something that isn’t simple. Real relationships are more complicated than that. They include conflict, differences, changing seasons, and plenty of imperfect moments.
Decades of research have shown us that healthy love isn’t about getting everything right. It’s built in how we respond to each other, especially when things don’t go as planned. In the repairs we make, the curiosity we bring to our differences, and the small moments when we choose to turn toward each other again.
We may not have put these myths to rest just yet, but after 30 years at The Gottman Institute and over five decades of relationship research, we know this much: lasting love isn’t found in perfection. It’s built in the everyday moments that say, we’re still in this together.
